Thursday, September 19, 2013

on becoming real

This little blog is something I love. It's something I've loved for awhile but neglected as life comes my way. And I'm okay with that. It's the stage of life we're in, as a family. 

But I see this blog as something more. I see it has a place to be real with my readers. I'm not saying I haven't been real but I haven't been real enough, for me. Does that make sense? I spend too long on some blog posts, fine tuning every. single. detail. when that isn't real life. It isn't my real life anyways. I don't know about y'all but I don't have all kinds of time to fine tune everything in my life. Yes, I'm an introvert so I am always watching and listening to others and hopefully learning from their mistakes. I look inward a lot and fine tune certain details in my life, but not everything. I have a long way to go.

My reality is messy, fussy, lazy, bored, selfish, dirty. 

My house is in disarray most moments. I thrive on organization and order. Messy is hard for me. 

The girls fuss and it drives me crazy. They are small after all but that's hard to remember in the moment.

 I'm lazy some days. I do a days worth of chores in 30 minutes before Daniel gets home just to make it look like I did something during the day.

I get bored with my life. I long for adventure and change, some days. I'd love to be traveling and seeing the world's great masterpieces and works.

I'm selfish. I long for a day or two of sitting in my house reading, writing and lying in bed until ten in the morning.

Life here is dirty. Old food is on the floor, crumbs are in the chairs and I haven't showered today. The girls need baths, their faces are a mess and it smells like poop.

This life is also a process of learning grace, compassion, mercy and love. I want to try and show that here on our little blog. So many times I've put on my mask and hidden behind it. I make you think everything is beautiful and perfect in our little lives. It's not. 

I get  upset with my girls, I even yell sometimes. It's not some of my finer moments and it's rare, but it happens. I'm ashamed to admit it but there it is. I immediately regret it. And yet, it happens again. Why?

My kitchen is not always sparkling clean. We don't always stick to our menu. We go out way more than I'd like. There's papers on the fridge that need to be sorted and put into their places. Our room is always the last to get attention. Toys are strewn across every. single. room. in this house. I pick up yet they're always there.

There are books on the floor, blocks to trip over and missing pieces of this and that hidden under furniture. It's my life. And I want to show it. 

From now on I'm going to be more transparent.

I struggle with finding time to read God's Word. I have my alarm set in the morning, before the girls get up. Laziness finds me and I switch my alarm off and go back to sleep until I hear the girls. I struggle with losing weight and winning the battle against food. Will I ever lose the 50 pounds I so desperately need to? I struggle with finding contentment in this wonderful, easy life I've been given. How dare I be unhappy with all that is around me?! I'm a selfish sinner saved by grace and love and mercy. I need to focus less on me and more on others. I need to focus less on me and more on Him. "He must become greater, I must become less." (John 3:30)

Get ready, my real life is coming soon to a blog post near you. 


SparingChange said...

I appreciate you sharing your "real life." We are all real, whether or not we put it on our blogs. :-) I like to read about "real" stories more than the "put together" ones. You are extremely brave for this post and it makes me appreciate you and your blog that much more.

Ginny Gafford said...

Thanks friend.
I write way too many put together blog posts and not enough real ones. I want to write more real ones than put together ones.

ERKM said...

I have just now read this and I am amazed at how honest you are able to be with yourself and with us. I always look to you as someone I'd love to emulate. You seem so put together and organized, and I turn to your blog frequently for ideas on dinner and thrift because I feel like that's an area where you shine and where I'm terribly lacking. Frankly, it's nice to see that you're not perfect. It's nice to hear that you too struggle with wanting something different from your life on occasion, because though I feel blessed to have what I have, I, too, long for different things sometimes. Thank you for being real.