"Children Are Born Persons"

"Children are born persons."

This simple quote from Charlotte Mason has really resonated with me lately.

As a mom to 3 little girls (ages 7, 5.5 and almost 3) I'm learning that I need to respect who God made them to be. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God. Yes, they need discipline. I need discipline but what's that look like when you have a kid who isn't typical?

One of my girls was diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder back in December. I'll be honest, I'm very skeptical of all the "stuff" surrounding these labels. For one, I don't fully understand it all. I know I never will. I'm an avid reader, read trusted sources, etc, but I still don't fully get it. But, and this is a big but, there is something "different" (I don't mean different in a negative way) about her. She's been a more sensitive child than our others. We knew this from pretty much day 1. She got overtired super quick. She liked pitch black darkness. She had her likes and dislikes and made them known. Fast forward 2 years later and we have a very verbal child. But she still can't fully express her needs (she struggles with that even now as an almost 6 year old). And she now walks on her tiptoes (and has since she was 2). And she has meltdowns so easily. And she likes her clothes a certain way-nothing itchy, shorts that are soft and slip on and off, no jeans or buttons or zippers. She's so sensitive, more so than I feel a typical child is. She cries through half of a movie in the theater (something we've done twice) because Dory can't find her parents. When she misbehaves I discipline and nothing works. Timeouts. Room time. Spankings. You name, we've tried it.

And denial creeps in for pretty much 3 years. I write off her behavior. "Oh she's just being 2." "Oh, she's just being 3." You get the point. Really, if I'm honest with myself, I write off her. I give up on her. I get angry with her. I yell at her. I cry about it and think it'll change but it doesn't. I don't, not for a while. And there's a lot of guilt attached to how I act towards her. I blame it on me not being consistent enough in disciplining her. I blame it on whatever circumstance is happening. But I can't control everything. And I can't control her.

I realize when she turns 5 that we need some intervention. I can't ignore our really hard days anymore. And I mean really hard days. And they very much outweigh the good days. We have probably 1 good day to 6 bad days some weeks. She can't cope. I'm still yelling at her about how she acts. And I'm lost. I have no clue what to do. And I don't want to treat her like this anymore. She's a person! She's a loving, compassionate, sensitive child who God made and entrusted to me and I am not treating her with the respect she deserves.

I struggle to understand what a sensory processing disorder means. I know there's negative connotations that are attached to that label but I'm beginning to understand what it means for my girl.

My girl senses the world around her more strongly than I do or than most people do. That's how I interpret a sensory processing disorder for her. If she falls, stubs her toe, bumps into a wall she will scream so loud. It's a piercing scream that isn't always easy to take. If I'm sensitive to getting hurt then she's triple sensitive to something, at the very least. If I find a movie challenging to watch, it's more intense for her. Her feelings and emotions are just MORE. And that's simple to understand. She senses the world around her more strongly than I do. She gets overwhelmed very easily, especially in unfamiliar places. Even in familiar places she may struggle with what's around her.

If I'm honest with myself and honest with her I've not treated her with the respect she deserves. She's a person and she deserves not being made fun of if she falls and hurts herself. She deserves not to be yelled out or told to "get over it." When she seems dramatic, it's not that, it's that she feels her hurt more intensely than I do. More intensely than you do. And just because I don't understand what she's feeling doesn't mean I need to disrespect her. Everyone deserves respect, whether child or adult.

"The person should know about his worth, his unique place as a creature made to have a relationship with God. He understands who he is, his ability to choose, that he matters, that he is accepted and valued. He should like himself, even love himself. He is realistic; he accepts his own limitations, and knows that he can be creative within them. Having liked and accepted himself, he will go on to have the basis for liking and accepting his neighbor. Knowing that God has loved and served him, he will know that it is fostered by the child's human relationships, more than words about God to begin with. He should be with people who treat him with respect, politeness, truth. This includes the parent/teacher's (ANY grown-up) not pretending to know everything or acting as if he has arrived and is morally or spiritually perfect. If we are truthful about our own knowledge/intellectual limitations, this fresh air of truth and openness will help the child accept himself. It will help him strive for what is right and good. We prefer the company of others like ourselves, to the intimidation of a superman or woman who makes us feel rotten."
From For the Children's Sake, pgs. 148-149

Thanks for reading.

Love Languages

A good rule of thumb: When you think you're doing a pretty good job at this parenting thing, that's when you are getting ready to learn something new or, in this case, re-learn something old. Such was the case with us Monday evening.

At bedtime, Ginny likes to ask our two big girls three questions: 1) What made you happy today? 2) What made you sad? 3) What did you learn? We could tell Nyla was feeling off Monday, just not the typical 5-year old she usually is. After some poking and prodding, Ginny was able to get a tearful Nyla to admit that she did not get enough hugs and kisses from Mommy. (Not what you want your child to tell you.) Nyla also tearfully told me that she wanted Mommy and Daddy to draw her pictures. You see, Nyla loves to draw. I mean, she enjoys it so much. I have at least a dozen pictures in my cubicle at work that she has drawn for me. And here she is, crying that we haven't drawn her any pictures.

We are proponents of the book The Five Love Languages. It's a great read and great way to find out how you feel loved and express love. For instance, my top 2 love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. Ginny is quality time and acts of service. Nyla, we determined, was receiving gifts and probably acts of service. You see where I'm going with this, right? Her "love tank" was empty, because she didn't get any gifts! Here she was, drawing pictures for us, and we were ignoring that as a sign that she needs to get gifts, too! Thanking her for them and telling her how pretty they are weren't enough. Needless to say, Ginny and I felt terrible. I held Nyla at bedtime and told her that I was sorry for not drawing for her, because she draws many pretty pictures for us.

So naturally, I drew her a picture that night - a picture of Madeline (from the books) and three toys. I wrote a note telling Nyla I loved her and asking her what toy she thought Madeline should pick. As you can see from the picture, my drawing (and love) was well-received.

Yesterday, she was back to being our sweet, happy Nyla. Nyla, Naomi, and I sat down at the table last night and learned how to draw birds, a sailbot, a rocket, a bat, and an elephant. (Thanks, Pinterest!) The lesson here is to always, always, always be mindful of how your child (or spouse or family or friends) loves and feels loved.

-D

Parents, It's Ok...

Greetings, my fellow Americans, and welcome to another installment of this blog. As you can imagine, we have been busy around here getting used to another little girl in the house. We are doing fairly well now getting restful nights of sleep after several, well, not so good nights. In any event, I'm back with a bit of an advice column I'd like to call, "Parents, It's Ok," in which I share some things that it's ok for parents to do with a new baby in the house. Without further ado, let's get to this list...

1. It's ok to send them to the nursery in the hospital. It was 11:00pm that first night with Natalie. Ginny and I were tired. Natalie would sleep in her little box for short stretches, but she wouldn't settle enough for us to sleep a long stretch. So Ginny nursed her one more time, made sure her diaper was changed, and then pressed the nurse button on her bed. To be totally honest, it made me sad that we sent her to the nursery, because it felt like I was giving up on her trying to sleep with us. After a wonderful 2.5-hour sleep, though, I felt better. We sent her back to the nursery again around 4am and got another 2 hours or so of sleep. The lesson? Send her to the nursery and grab some sleep; because when you get home, there's no nurse button. 
2. It's ok to say no. Not to the baby of course, but to people coming over to visit, whether at the hospital or at home. You're the ones adjusting to a new life. Ginny told people bringing meals to not come or call between 1 and 4 in the afternoon. Why? So everyone could rest. It's ok to tell people to come at a certain time. If they don't get it, they clearly don't understand what being a parent of a baby is all about.
3. It's ok to feel helpless at times. Trust me, whether it's your 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or heck even your 10th kid, there will be times when you have no idea what to do. And that's ok. You're not going to know what to do. But you will figure it out. 
4. It's ok to put a screaming baby in the crib. Again, trust me on this one. Ginny and I have had this discussion before. We go through our checklist. Is the baby fed? Is she changed? Is she burped? And we put her in the crib, crying and being loud, while we take 10-15 minutes to regroup, shower, eat, or close the door and sit in our bedroom. This does not make you a bad parent. Instead, it gives you a chance to breathe and gather yourself. I can't tell you the number of times Ginny or I have put a screaming baby in the crib, taken a shower, and come out feeling ready to go. 
5. It's ok to ask for help. Ask. Ask often. Ask someone you trust. 
6. It's ok to cry. I've cried more in the last 4+ years of being a father than I had in the last 14 years before that. Being a new parent (or an old parent for that matter) is an emotional experience. It's ok to cry. And cry while holding a crying kid. 
7. It's ok to wonder if it ever gets better. "The days are long but the years are short." It does get better, and it gets more fun, too.

Hopefully this should put your sleep-deprived, new parent mind at ease.

What would you add to this list?

-D

She told me, "I hate you."

A couple nights ago I was in the kitchen getting dinner together, the girls were sitting at the table and Nyla turned around and looked at me and said, "I hate you." She had a little smirk on her face. I asked, "What did you say?" "I hate you" she said again.

I know she doesn't understand what she's saying. She's three. She's trying out words and seeing what they look like to her and seeing our reaction. I didn't overreact. I told her we don't use that word because it isn't nice. Then I turned around toward the counter and began to cry. That word from my precious, loving three-year-old. How can she already know that word?

I went upstairs and immediately hit my knees and prayed for her and for me. How do I handle this? How can I explain how hurtful that word is to me and to others?

The last thing I wanted to do was talk to her or even look at her. She cut me deep with one simple phrase. I know she doesn't know what it means but that doesn't make it any less painful to me. I never thought I'd hear, "I hate you" from my three-year-old, not this soon in our walk together.

Daniel sent her to her room after all this so we were both in our rooms crying. Like I said, the last thing I wanted to do was talk to her but I felt God pulling me to go in her room and hold her. He extends grace to me every single day and I knew I needed to extend the same to her. Forgive her. Love her. Hold her. So I did.

I scooped her up and we sat in her chair and cried together. I explained in few words that hate is a hurtful word that we don't use on anyone. We speak of love in our home not of hate. She told me she was sorry and we cried some more together.

While this isn't something I want to experience again, I'm sure I will. And just as I did, I'll extend grace and love, just as Christ does for me.